Memory.

Sooo.. memory is kind of cool.

Sometimes it's a trickster though.

For example. I've said before that I don't remember much from my childhood. The only things I really remember are really significant or traumatic moments. Occasionally I'll remember a feeling I frequently had as a kid.

Other than that all I have to go by to prove that my adolescence actually happened are pictures.

Sometimes I think maybe I don't really remember something I think I did, and I just remember a picture of it.

Then there are instances where I meet someone or I learn something.. and then I keep thinking about that person or thing or skill and I play with it in my mind. I flip it around, look at it at all angles, analyze everything about it, and when time comes to see that person again or I have to show what I've learned, it's completely different from what I remember because in MY mind it's been so bent, squished, and molded into a different shape.

Let's not forget the moments when memory fails us and we're scraping and scratching our brains to the bone. (That sentence sounded less graphic and more possible in my mind.) No matter how hard you try, you can't remember something that's not engraved in your brain. I think most of us will either give up or pretend that we remember something we don't.

I remember an experience I had a couple of years ago. I went to band camp (yeah, yeah.. insert mocking laughter here) and there was a kid there that I became pretty good friends with for the week. We both played trumpet, so we would walk to the campus from the dorms together and we had some really good conversations. After band camp (chuckle) I went back to life as I knew it but every once in a while this kid's name or something he'd said would sneak into my thoughts. Then my Senior year (maybe half a year later) my trumpet-sister, Kellijo, and myself were helping at the all-state jazz tryouts (cause we're awesome like that), and this guy walks in the door! I said "Hey ______!" (Yeah, I can't even remember his name anymore.) and he looked at me and I could see all over his face he didn't remember me.. and he said "Hey, how are you?! It's been a while.." and I kind of laughed and said, "You don't remember me, do you?" He denied it and said he remembered me, but didn't give any specifics or ask any questions so I knew he was lying.

Anyway, after that I thought a lot about how I had remembered it even though it hadn't been a big deal to me, but he'd forgotten our association completely. It was strange to me to see that difference.

I think emotion is a big deal for me. Not that I'm an emotional person (Actually, I very well may be, but for the most part I think that emotion is happy. There are exceptions, though..) but that the moments I remember the most are the ones where I had really strong emotions. For example, I remember being terrified at night-- being petrified under my covers, scared that if i moved I would be attacked by the stranger in my closet. I remember the elation and warmth I felt when I smelled my mom making cinnamon rolls on conference sunday (hint, hint) while I was wearing some of my dad's giant, wool socks. I remember the frustration I felt when Eric would always manage to pin me down despite  desperate kicking, flailing, and biting. I also remember getting frustrated when I would lie down at my mom's feet while she was reading and bouncing her foot up and down and I'd get her to stop.. but only for about 7 or 8 seconds. Then the bouncing would pick up again. I remember my terror when I forgot to let go of the rope when skiing. I remember my pride when I was finally able to slalom. I remember my awe when I heard that song and saw that sunrise. :)

whoa. that was longer than I expected it to be.